Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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