he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
