you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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