Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
