she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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