I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
