why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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