Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
