Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
