Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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