i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
