I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
