after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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