i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
