Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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