I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
