Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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