sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
