i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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