I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
