Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
