C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
