look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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