I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
