Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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