your parents love me but you hate me
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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