I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
