Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
