Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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