I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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