Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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