i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
