Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
