she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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