how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If that was your dad, he is hot
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Randomize
