im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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