God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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