She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
