A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Farmville is her only friend.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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