I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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