You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
