I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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