there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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