i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You ate ashes out of my bong
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
