And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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