I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
