I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
