Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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