hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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