mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
well you can't waste a boner
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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