Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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